Email re: budget

This was where mom insisted on opening her own checking account so she could have a debit card. We agreed that I would transfer the $% from the Source account to the bill paying account, and then transfer the budgeted "envelope" amount to her account. I did NOT put my name on there as I am concerned it will be overdrawn.

The Check from the Church

Mom and dad received a check from their church for $700 to use towards a motorized wheelchair for Dad. We purchased the chair for less than $500 and I asked mom about returning the balance to their church, but she refused, saying it was theirs now.

Letter sent to Mom & Dad

August 20, 2008

Dear Mom & Dad,

I wanted to share some things with you on paper that I don’t seem to be able to get out when we talk on the phone or in person. Before you read any further, I want to make clear that I do love you guys, and I want to care for you like God tells me to. Sometimes that requires speaking the truth in love – and sometimes truth can be painful to hear. I will try to be as gentle as I can here, but I will NOT compromise the truth.

I know my taking on the money management and bill paying has been a frustrating process, especially for you, Mom. I get the distinct impression that you think I’m trying to run your lives. I am not! Trust me, I am only doing this because I love you. Just as you’ve done for me many times in my life (like making sure I got painful but necessary immunizations, or when I had to make other tough decisions), I am trying to support you with an unfortunately painful but very necessary budget. I truly get NO pleasure from this arrangement. It is actually very difficult for me not to be discouraged when each month, you request additional funds that I can clearly see are depleting your resources and putting you in financial peril. Getting angry with me for something that I have no control over (your income and expenses) is not doing either of us any good, and is making our relationship strained at best. The hard part for me is that you keep asking me to send more money than you have available every month and then you get angry with me when I point out that you are dipping into funds that are already set aside for some other necessity. It’s OK to make me the “bad guy”, but I suspect that your frustration is really with the limits of being forced to live on a fixed income. My heart goes out to you – I know you are in a difficult position and you are doing the best you can, but please don’t shoot the messenger. The amount of income you have isn’t something either one of us has control over. To make your budget work, you MUST FOLLOW IT! I know this limited income is uncomfortable, and I am so sorry.

You’ve told me several times, Mom, that you feel like I’m treating you as if I’m the mother and you’re the daughter. Honestly, I am sorry that it came off this way. I don’t want to and never could be your parent. (Just think of me as an annoying banker or a tight-fisted bookkeeper!) I am 100% on your side, I believe in you, and I want this to work. If you have some suggestions about how we could make this work more smoothly, I am open to listen. As long as we maintain a good money structure for you, I am open to options that make this function better. All three of us wish we could make life easier for you. Have you ever heard of the “powdered butt syndrome”? It’s the idea that once you’ve powdered someone’s butt (i.e., changed their diapers, been their parent, etc.), it’s hard to listen to any advice or counsel they might give you. I think the “powdered butt syndrome” is at work in our relationship. I am asking you to help me rewrite our relationship. For years, you’ve told me that age is a state of mind, that just because you grew older didn’t mean you should stop growing or trying new things. Well, you’re trying something new here: you have handed over the responsibility of paying your bills and managing your money to someone else. Lots of people do that – they pay someone else to manage their financial affairs. We have an extra challenge in that business relationship because I am your daughter. I am trying to give the best advice I can –the same advice I would give anyone else in that position, so please accept my sincere attempt to rise above this challenge that we have and help me see how we can make this relationship work. I do have a very busy life right now – but I’m willing to make time to help my parents. I’m trying to provide a service for you guys that will benefit both of us—it helps you stay solvent and keeps me from having to find ways to help you out when we can’t afford to.

You have two choices about how to react to this next statement: you can get defensive and angry with me for what I’ve said…or you can look for the truth in it and work with me to help you reach your goals (getting the IRS out of your life, getting you moved into an apartment in town close to medical facilities, shopping, and opportunities for you two to enjoy your lives instead of spending half your time in the car.) There are days when I just want to throw up my hands and say “It’s not worth it! Handle it yourselves!” But then I remember what has happened before when you’ve been in stressful situations – you’ve struggled with handling money and turned to one of us when you were in a crisis. If you are honest with yourselves, you’ll admit that there is a pattern in the past of sometimes spending more than you have available and needing to be bailed out. This is why we’ve tried to help you get on a cash budget.

Let me say this: it is NOT unreasonable to expect two people to survive (EVEN in this economy!) on $800 a month when all you have to take care of is food, gasoline, and miscellaneous. It DOES take being careful, but many people survive on much less. You can do it, too, with some planning ahead on your part (like carefully planning trips into town along with your meals while you’re in town so you don’t have to eat out beyond what you have in your “Eating Out” budget.) The advantage of having this budget has shown up several times since I took over helping you with it:

1. When you needed extra money for propane, eyeglasses, car repairs, it was there.

2. You didn’t have to call one of us to ask for money, and we didn’t have to rearrange our own tight budgets to come up with the money (or have to tell you “no” if we didn’t have it.)

3. You haven’t been overdrawn at the bank, not even once.

4. All of your bills have been paid.

5. There’s even money set aside for the IRS settlement (when it finally gets taken care of) and almost enough again to take care of your apartment deposits when a spot opens up.

I know this has been hard on your pride – I really take no pleasure in setting limits on the budget and encouraging you to tough it out and stick to the budget. I’d love to see you set and stick to those limits yourselves, instead of putting me in the position where I have to do it. THAT’S what will tell me that I can relax and be comfortable with you taking over your own budget..

You’ve always shared good magazine articles with me, and I wanted to return the favor. This article talks about dealing with changes in your life. This has been a big change – and it’s one you can choose to deal with in a way that brings blessing to your life and others, or you can fight against it. You can get angry with me for what I’ve written or you can decide to look for whatever truth is in here – EVEN if it’s your daughter who is saying this. I’ve taken a risk in sending this to you – I hope it was worth it. I hope you will understand clearly that I say and do this BECAUSE I love you both, and want the best for you. Let me know where you want to go from here.

Love,

Mom wants the Visa Number

Mom called today -- I couldn't talk long because I was at lunch w/ friends, but she told me that she was VERY upset that she had tried to order meds from the online pharmacy but couldn't do it because she didn't know the Visa card number, and she was ANGRY because I didn't trust her with information about her own account.

I called her back later, and determined that she needed the last four numbers of the Visa to make the order, so I gave those to her. She told me that she was very hurt that I treated her like she was the daughter and I was the mother, and that I didn't trust her with money. She said she noticed that I had switched all of the money out of the account (the POA source account that the Social Security checks are deposited into.) She reminded me that even though she had gotten the checks and Visa card,, she had given her word that she wouldn't use them. She also told me again that whether I believed it or not, she still believes that she and Dad will soon receive a "huge blessing that will include a large sum of money," and that this blessing will trickle down to my family, too. I responded that it sounded like a great thing when it happens, but for the moment, we need to deal with the situation we have here.

MY COMMENTS: Mom seems to have no clue about why we (me, Suzanne and Jody) asked for me to take over managing the money. I'm not convinced she will ever understand/admit that there was a pattern of erratic/irrational behavior in terms of spending money that led us to that point. When she asks about taking over the money again herself, she gets angry when I remind her that the condition of that is that we will not "rescue" them when they get into a financial emergency again. The fact that she knows that I've transferred the incoming SS checks into the bill paying account which she has no access to makes me wonder whether she would be spending anything I left in there. I also have grave reservations about this revelation she claims to have had about the large financial blessing she expects to come to her. This smacks of "magical" thinking unconnected to reality. As long as it is just a fantasy, that's fine, but I think it's reasonable to believe that if she had access to any of her money for spending, she would indeed spending it, excusing it with the belief that other monies will certainly be coming in to cover whatever she had done. I don't enjoy being in this position with her, but I continue doing it because her past behavior provides a reasonable predictor that, should I return control of the money to her, she would indeed be on one of our porches within six months looking for a bailout.

AC Repair

Mom called Friday night saying that their air conditioner had quit and they needed to get it fixed. I was a little out if it since I had just returned from a week at youth camp and had only been asleep long enough to hit the deep part of the cycle, but I do know that she escalated into frustration quickly and hung up on me!

I called her back on Saturday morning, and she told me they had the name of someone to call to come look at it. Duane said not to, as the service call would likely be near the replacement cost. We went to Home Depot and picked up a similar unit before heading out to their house, in the event that their unit couldn't be repaired.

Duane looked at the unit and quickly determined that it was cooling, but also noticed that there was some ice. He disconnected it and spent an hour or so cleaning it. When he remounted it, the unit worked fine. (Mom was really disappointed that we wouldn't install the new one, but it didn't make sense to do so!)

I took the opportunity afterwards to share with them a "Pros and Cons" chart I had developed about moving into town, hoping to encourage them to reconsider, since Mom had so vehemently told Suzanne a few weeks ago that they were NOT moving! She took me completely by surprise when she announced that they were definitely moving into town and told me that she had put their names back onto several lists, but that they were mostly interested in Pleasant Heights. I suggested that she and I might go out looking at apartments in a few weeks and go have lunch -- she liked that idea!

Denies any money issues (Suzanne)

The final thing Mom and I talked about was the budget. I told her that Lisa has mentioned that Mom consistently asks for extra money. She got angry and denied it. I also mentioned that Lisa says Mom has indicated several times that she wants to take over managing the money again. She denied that also.

Waiting for Money from God

We talked over the 4th of July weekend about the budget and why she hasn't moved into the senior subsidized housing in Blue Springs. With Lisa managing their money, she has saved enough for them to move into one of the apartments. Their names were on the list for several places, but Mom took their names off without telling anyone. She says they're too small and depressing, and has no intention of moving there. When I told her that I don't see any options because she can't afford anything else she became angry and accused me of not having any compassion.

She says she wants to buy a house, and has been out house shopping. To me this indicates that she is out of touch with reality, because there is no way they can get a house loan. Between their lack of credit, their trouble with the IRS, no income (except SS) and no jobs, no one would loan them the money for a house. But she says she knows God will send them money. She says she got the checks and debit card for the bank account because she's waiting for the money God has told her will come.

I know she doesn't want to give up her sewing and her books (their's not room in the apt for them), but it seems to me that they're putting Dad in danger by staying in the trailer. They don't seem to agree or be willing to listen.

Safety Issues in the Trailer

I talked to Mom on Sunday 7/6/08 about moving into town. I am concerned about their ability to be safe in the trailer, and how much maintenance the property requires. If there is a tornado, Dad would have a hard time getting down into the basement because he'd have to go outside and down the wooden stairs near the garage. There are many days he cannot navigate those stairs. Also, they are far from the hospital and from help. Mom said she's not concerned, they would be fine in case of a tornado. I disagreed strongly, but she doesn't seem to think it is an issue.

Talked to Dr. Andes Nurse

On Thursday June 26 I spoke to Andrea (Dr. Andes nurse) and asked what Dr. Andes instructions were re: mom & dad traveling to Texas. She said she was OK with them flying to Texas, but she did NOT want Dad traveling that far in a car (so they definitely can't ride down with us). She also added that Dr. Andes doesn't want Dad driving under ANY circumstances.

Discovered Check & Debit Card order

On Thursday, June 26, I went to the bank to get the monthly cash envelope disbursements for mom & dad. Since the consolidation of the credit unions back in May, the auto transfers haven't gotten back on schedule, so I gave the teller the account ID cards for both the source account (with mom & dad's names and mine on them -- receives the Social Security checks) and the bill-paying account (which has only me on the account). I asked her to transfer the full amount of the June SS checks, which should leave $25 in the account. She told me that it would only leave $13 something in the account, because checks had been ordered and shipped on that account.

I called mom later that morning and asked whether she had ordered checks. She said that they had received them yesterday, along with a debit card. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her having them when my name was on the account, because if she surrendered to impulse and bought anything, it would overdraw the account, putting me at risk also. She assured me that they weren't going to use them for anything "until their monies came in." I assumed they meant their SS checks, and I protested, but she told me that the monies she was referring to would come from God, and that I wouldn't believe it until it happened, but it WOULD happen. When I pressed her that I needed to have custody of the checks and the card until then, she became defensive and told me it was pretty sad if I couldn't trust my own mother. I agreed. She said we needed to talk soon. I agreed.

I notified Jody & Suzanne about the situation. I will talk to her again at the first opportunity and be clear that either the checks and card come to me, or the whole deal is off and the bill-paying responsibility returns to her and the airline tickets disappear.

6/17/08 Phone Call from Mom

Mom told me the other day that they weren't going to move after all and that they have taken their names off of the lists for all of the apartments we had found. This time, she told me that she's decided that selling their house would put them above the $50K income limit the subsidized apartments require, so the solution is to stay where they are. I tried to explain that the IRS would take a chunk of that AFTER the original O&C payment, and that there were still legal ways of getting them down to that $50K limit -- but logic was not prevailing...! I decided to make a pros and cons charts to give them a VISUAL of the benefits of moving, which I asked the others to edit and add to. If I can figure out how to post the chart on the blog, I will.

6/14/08 Visit to Mom & Dad's

We got out to their house about 5pm and took Bates City BBQ to share for dinner. Dad was sitting in his chair when we arrived, and never got up the whole time we were there. He was so tired he could hardly eat his 1/2 sandwich. I had to prompt him several times during the meal. His eyes seemed artificially wide open, as if he were really having to concentrate to keep them open and stay awake.

When we were finished with dinner, Duane went outside to cut up the offending limb in the front yard. Mom was insisting that Dad get up and go outside to watch Duane, even getting his scooter out of the barn. Dad tried to tell her he was too tired, but she kept badgering him, and he finally gave in. At that point, I got Mom's attention and and asked if I could talk with them about the finances as she had asked.

I gave them printouts of their bank accounts (checking and savings). The savings account has approx $1250 in it, which is enough to meet the upcoming $700 payment for the Offer & Compromise to the IRS and the $500 for the deposit and pet deposit required by at least one of the senior subsidized apartments we had looked at.

It was at that point that mom told me they weren't planning to move anymore, and that she had taken their names off of all of the apartment lists because they were too small, and she was NOT going anywhere that she couldn't take her books and her sewing.

I also asked them whether they were car-shopping with the intention of buying a car and taking a road trip to Texas and Pensacola, to which they both readily admitted. I pointed out that there was no way in their budget that they could afford a car payment, and that Dr. A would NOT be happy about the news that Dad was planning a road trip.

At this point, I shared with them J&P's offer to buy plane tickets for them to visit Mattie IF they agreed to let me continue doing the budget. After some discussion, they seemed to agree to it...but I won't be surprised if they try to change the terms of the agreement down the road.

Summary of previous posts on google doc

Notes On Mom & Dad

11/19/07 11am: (LKS) Received call from office of Dr. H. (Pain Specialist), since they had my POA on file. Mom called this morning saying she had had run out of Avenza for Dad. Dr.'s office noted that she had told Dr. H. last week that she had a 3-month supply, and Dr. H. had written another scrip last week. Mom told the nurse that it was possible that her kids had thrown it out when they were cleaning up at the house last week, and that the scrip may have gotten put into the burn pile. I asked the nurse to confirm whether this had happened before with Dr. H. She confirmed that it HAD occurred before, and Dr. H declined to provide a new scrip today. After consultation with Jody and Suzanne, we decided just to wait to see what happens and document the situation, rather than call the state social worker at this point. It's possible to conclude that this was a case of being absent-minded rather than "hoarding" meds, but since there is an ongoing pattern of "misplacing" Class 2 narcotics (starting with the pain doctor in St.Louis), it seems prudent to keep an eye on this.

Update: (LKS) Dr. H's nurse (Carla) called about 4:00pm. She had tracked down (through conversations with M P and Dr. A's office) that a scrip was faxed to Dr. A. from MP which would provide enough Avenza to carry Dad through to their next appoint w/ Dr. H. on Dec 3 @ 8:45 am. The nurse I spoke to this morning said that Dr. H. suggested I may want to be in on that meeting. She also said that it's conceivable that they haven't collected (lost?) more than one month's worth of Avenza in the time since June or July. While we aren't drawing conclusions as to motive, we share a concern about the missing meds and Mom & Dad's safety and ability to properly monitor Dad's medical affairs.

Update: (LKS) Mom & Dad severed the relationship with Dr. H because they "didn't want him tell us what to do or speaking to us that way."

January 08: (LKS) I took over handling their checking accounts and giving them expense money in envelopes. They had continued to ask to borrow money from each of us (Lisa, Jody & Suzanne), and we agreed that the only way we were willing to continue to help them financially was if they surrendered control of their budget and finances to me.

3/08: (STO) Mom said they’d switched pain doctors because Dr H had been rude to him. Apparently the issue was that Mom had been giving Dad twice the medication she should as she was confused about the dosages. They had been using 2 x 30 mg Oxycodones, and now he had 60 mg Oxycodones. She had still been giving him 2 pills, giving him 120mg at one time. Dr H had “yelled” at her about this. During that conversation she told me it wasn’t an addictive drug.

4/19/08: (STO) Mom and Dad were visiting St Louis. Dad was asleep most of the day, and was sleeping in the front seat while I was driving. When asked, Mom blamed it on a strenuous physical therapy session two days before. After much questioning she finally indicated that Dad had indeed taken 3 oxycodone that morning. I asked why did he take three. She said both she and the doctor felt it was important to show Dad trust by allowing him to determine when to use oxycodone for breakthrough pain, medicate himself, and just let her know. I said that trust was not the main issue, because Dad was most likely not able to make good decisions in his current state. They both disagreed strongly.

4/22/08: (STO) Conversation with Mom – Dad was not coherent and was having a “bad day”. They said it was because of his physical therapy the day before. I asked if he had had any oxycodone, and they both said no. They said he had one the day before. They appear more interested in covering up or explaining his incoherence vs. determining any real medical source.

4/25/08: (STO) Mom sent the following email saying she felt hurt by my mistrust.

From: Mary Jo B. [email address deleted]
Sent: Friday, April 25, 2008 5:52 PM
To: Suzanne T O

Dear Suzanne, You must think we are blazing idiots. I must not share my spiritual concerns with my children. You don't consider me to be a woman of faith. In what I said to you, you probably thought, here goes Mom with her manic behavior. You have your mind make up about how dad should take his meds, regardless of what the doctor says. I visit with a very highly qualified counselor who is in office with a psychiatrist. Cindy feels I am not manic, but sees me as very normal. I am just sad and tired for being considered to have no ability to make reasonable and intelligent decision. How do you think you got so smart. It was not from a pill you took.

I love you, and have great respect for you, but I cannot share my feelings with you. Please rest comfortably about Dad's meds. The doctor is comfortable with his use. I know you love him and want the best for him. I may not be the best, but I"m the one that has been with him, by myself, for six years and 18 surgeries. Please feel free to share this with Lisa and Jody as I'm sure you will. It makes me really sad there is so little respect for me and my ability to be a woman of faith and to be able to do as the doctors ask me to do. I love you, Mom

6/7/2008: (LKS) Since Mom & Dad have lived in the trailer, they have not had good access to the basement for storm cover. After some bad weather during the previous week, Duane and I decided to check on whether it would be feasible to build a set of stairs (using available scrap lumber in the barn) which would exit their back door and going down to the basement door (which opens from outside.) In the current situation, if a tornado warning was called, they would have to go out the front door, walk around the trailer and descend the steps from the driveway to the basement porch to enter the basement and go to the safe room. Mom seemed oddly uninterested, telling us that she believes God will bring a miracle that will provide the money to build the 2-story addition they have dreamed of, which would provide a dining room on the main floor and an extra room beneath, enclosing stairs and providing an inside access to the basement. (it brought to mind the joke about the man who died in a flood refusing the offers of potential rescuers, telling them that God would take care of him. When he reached Heaven, St. Peter asked him why ignored the help God had sent in the form of rescuers in rowboats, canoes and helicopters!)

6/11/08: (LKS) Mom had asked if she and Dad could stop and take naps at our house on Wednesday as they had a morning doctor's appointment and wanted to go to prayer meeting at someone's house in Independence. I had queried her about where they were going to prayer meeting, but she became confused and couldn't give me the complete information. She chalked it up to being "so tired I just can't think."

I was at work when they came over, but Adam was at home while they were there. He came to me after I got home that afternoon (they had left) and told me that Dad had been on the phone with a car salesman inquiring about the price of a new Pontiac Vibe. (Adam's counsel, in true Dave Ramsey fashion, was that buying a new car was rarely a wise idea, and that they should look at a used car instead!) When he asked them about how they could afford it, they told him they were going to sell their house and use that money to buy the car, and then at the end of July (about 6 weeks from now), they would drive down to Texas to see Grandma Mattie, and then over to Pensacola to see family.

Later that evening, I got a call from Mom saying that Dad had fallen as they were entering the home where prayer service was to be held, hitting the back of his head so that he was bleeding profusely. They were waiting for the EMT's to arrive and transport him to Centerpoint Hospital. (He had only been home for perhaps a week from an extended 3-4 week stay in the hospital/nursing home/hospital for kidney and low blood pressure issues.) Mom left a message late that evening saying they had decided to release him from the hospital. However, she called the next morning saying they had decided to keep him after all since he was so weak as he was leaving. Based on her evasiveness when I questioned her about their activities between the time they left my house and the time of Dad's accident, as well as her comment that "I shouldn't have taken him [to prayer service] because he was so tired," I strongly suspect that they spent time car shopping that afternoon.

6/12/08: (LKS) Thursday afternoon, Mom asked me when we could meet because she had something important to talk with me about regarding the budget. I told her I would figure out a good time and get back with her.

6/13/08: (LKS) On Friday, I told her I could meet her for lunch next Thursday. She told me it had to be more immediate. She mentioned having been to the credit union and said she was ready to take over control of their money again. She sounded very calm and lucid (whereas her standard mode lately has been very stressed, fatigued and easily confused), and refused to be swayed. I told her I thought this was a foolish move, as I haven't seen any distinct change in how she handles money or makes decisions lately. (I'm pretty sure she doesn't actually operate out of the envelopes, instead just using cash for whatever immediate need she has.) She insisted that "as a woman of faith, I know that a huge blessing is coming our way very soon, whether you believe it or not, that will trickle down even to you kids," and that she was ready to take over that responsibility. (My suspicion is that they have found a car they want.) She told me emphatically that she needed to meet with me TODAY (Saturday) in order to transfer responsibility for the checking accounts to her.

I spoke with Jody and Suzanne, and we decided to take the approach that this is their decision to make. IF they want to leave things as they are (a sweet deal for them), them the original agreement will stay in place to meet whatever excess needs they have, and Jody & Pam will purchase plane tickets to fly them to San Antonio and we will purchase trip insurance. We also agreed that I need to touch base with Dr. A and get her sense of their stability.

6/14/08: (LKS) Mom called this morning. To my surprise, she said nothing about the finances, instead asking if Duane could come out this morning and cut up a limb that fell during a storm earlier this week. I told her I'd check with him and get back with her, and asked whether they were still planning to come in to deal with the finances. She sounded surprised, and said no, they weren't planning to come in today or tomorrow. As I pressed further on the issue, she seemed confused. Then she told me she needed $50-$100 more for gas. I asked whether she ha been operating out of the envelopes, and she said she had about $50 left, but that she had taken the van into Walmart to have them put whatever it was they put into cars. "Oil?" I asked? "Yes, that it, oil. I'm so tired I can't think straight." I told her we would be out in the afternoon to remove the limb.

I guess you're all wondering why I've called you here today

This is an ongoing record of the changes we see in mom & dad. The purpose is to have clear evidence in the event that we see the need to seek guardianship of one or both of them at some point. We had previously posted on a Google doc, but decided to move it here to make it easier for all of us to access.