Letter sent to Mom & Dad

August 20, 2008

Dear Mom & Dad,

I wanted to share some things with you on paper that I don’t seem to be able to get out when we talk on the phone or in person. Before you read any further, I want to make clear that I do love you guys, and I want to care for you like God tells me to. Sometimes that requires speaking the truth in love – and sometimes truth can be painful to hear. I will try to be as gentle as I can here, but I will NOT compromise the truth.

I know my taking on the money management and bill paying has been a frustrating process, especially for you, Mom. I get the distinct impression that you think I’m trying to run your lives. I am not! Trust me, I am only doing this because I love you. Just as you’ve done for me many times in my life (like making sure I got painful but necessary immunizations, or when I had to make other tough decisions), I am trying to support you with an unfortunately painful but very necessary budget. I truly get NO pleasure from this arrangement. It is actually very difficult for me not to be discouraged when each month, you request additional funds that I can clearly see are depleting your resources and putting you in financial peril. Getting angry with me for something that I have no control over (your income and expenses) is not doing either of us any good, and is making our relationship strained at best. The hard part for me is that you keep asking me to send more money than you have available every month and then you get angry with me when I point out that you are dipping into funds that are already set aside for some other necessity. It’s OK to make me the “bad guy”, but I suspect that your frustration is really with the limits of being forced to live on a fixed income. My heart goes out to you – I know you are in a difficult position and you are doing the best you can, but please don’t shoot the messenger. The amount of income you have isn’t something either one of us has control over. To make your budget work, you MUST FOLLOW IT! I know this limited income is uncomfortable, and I am so sorry.

You’ve told me several times, Mom, that you feel like I’m treating you as if I’m the mother and you’re the daughter. Honestly, I am sorry that it came off this way. I don’t want to and never could be your parent. (Just think of me as an annoying banker or a tight-fisted bookkeeper!) I am 100% on your side, I believe in you, and I want this to work. If you have some suggestions about how we could make this work more smoothly, I am open to listen. As long as we maintain a good money structure for you, I am open to options that make this function better. All three of us wish we could make life easier for you. Have you ever heard of the “powdered butt syndrome”? It’s the idea that once you’ve powdered someone’s butt (i.e., changed their diapers, been their parent, etc.), it’s hard to listen to any advice or counsel they might give you. I think the “powdered butt syndrome” is at work in our relationship. I am asking you to help me rewrite our relationship. For years, you’ve told me that age is a state of mind, that just because you grew older didn’t mean you should stop growing or trying new things. Well, you’re trying something new here: you have handed over the responsibility of paying your bills and managing your money to someone else. Lots of people do that – they pay someone else to manage their financial affairs. We have an extra challenge in that business relationship because I am your daughter. I am trying to give the best advice I can –the same advice I would give anyone else in that position, so please accept my sincere attempt to rise above this challenge that we have and help me see how we can make this relationship work. I do have a very busy life right now – but I’m willing to make time to help my parents. I’m trying to provide a service for you guys that will benefit both of us—it helps you stay solvent and keeps me from having to find ways to help you out when we can’t afford to.

You have two choices about how to react to this next statement: you can get defensive and angry with me for what I’ve said…or you can look for the truth in it and work with me to help you reach your goals (getting the IRS out of your life, getting you moved into an apartment in town close to medical facilities, shopping, and opportunities for you two to enjoy your lives instead of spending half your time in the car.) There are days when I just want to throw up my hands and say “It’s not worth it! Handle it yourselves!” But then I remember what has happened before when you’ve been in stressful situations – you’ve struggled with handling money and turned to one of us when you were in a crisis. If you are honest with yourselves, you’ll admit that there is a pattern in the past of sometimes spending more than you have available and needing to be bailed out. This is why we’ve tried to help you get on a cash budget.

Let me say this: it is NOT unreasonable to expect two people to survive (EVEN in this economy!) on $800 a month when all you have to take care of is food, gasoline, and miscellaneous. It DOES take being careful, but many people survive on much less. You can do it, too, with some planning ahead on your part (like carefully planning trips into town along with your meals while you’re in town so you don’t have to eat out beyond what you have in your “Eating Out” budget.) The advantage of having this budget has shown up several times since I took over helping you with it:

1. When you needed extra money for propane, eyeglasses, car repairs, it was there.

2. You didn’t have to call one of us to ask for money, and we didn’t have to rearrange our own tight budgets to come up with the money (or have to tell you “no” if we didn’t have it.)

3. You haven’t been overdrawn at the bank, not even once.

4. All of your bills have been paid.

5. There’s even money set aside for the IRS settlement (when it finally gets taken care of) and almost enough again to take care of your apartment deposits when a spot opens up.

I know this has been hard on your pride – I really take no pleasure in setting limits on the budget and encouraging you to tough it out and stick to the budget. I’d love to see you set and stick to those limits yourselves, instead of putting me in the position where I have to do it. THAT’S what will tell me that I can relax and be comfortable with you taking over your own budget..

You’ve always shared good magazine articles with me, and I wanted to return the favor. This article talks about dealing with changes in your life. This has been a big change – and it’s one you can choose to deal with in a way that brings blessing to your life and others, or you can fight against it. You can get angry with me for what I’ve written or you can decide to look for whatever truth is in here – EVEN if it’s your daughter who is saying this. I’ve taken a risk in sending this to you – I hope it was worth it. I hope you will understand clearly that I say and do this BECAUSE I love you both, and want the best for you. Let me know where you want to go from here.

Love,

Mom wants the Visa Number

Mom called today -- I couldn't talk long because I was at lunch w/ friends, but she told me that she was VERY upset that she had tried to order meds from the online pharmacy but couldn't do it because she didn't know the Visa card number, and she was ANGRY because I didn't trust her with information about her own account.

I called her back later, and determined that she needed the last four numbers of the Visa to make the order, so I gave those to her. She told me that she was very hurt that I treated her like she was the daughter and I was the mother, and that I didn't trust her with money. She said she noticed that I had switched all of the money out of the account (the POA source account that the Social Security checks are deposited into.) She reminded me that even though she had gotten the checks and Visa card,, she had given her word that she wouldn't use them. She also told me again that whether I believed it or not, she still believes that she and Dad will soon receive a "huge blessing that will include a large sum of money," and that this blessing will trickle down to my family, too. I responded that it sounded like a great thing when it happens, but for the moment, we need to deal with the situation we have here.

MY COMMENTS: Mom seems to have no clue about why we (me, Suzanne and Jody) asked for me to take over managing the money. I'm not convinced she will ever understand/admit that there was a pattern of erratic/irrational behavior in terms of spending money that led us to that point. When she asks about taking over the money again herself, she gets angry when I remind her that the condition of that is that we will not "rescue" them when they get into a financial emergency again. The fact that she knows that I've transferred the incoming SS checks into the bill paying account which she has no access to makes me wonder whether she would be spending anything I left in there. I also have grave reservations about this revelation she claims to have had about the large financial blessing she expects to come to her. This smacks of "magical" thinking unconnected to reality. As long as it is just a fantasy, that's fine, but I think it's reasonable to believe that if she had access to any of her money for spending, she would indeed spending it, excusing it with the belief that other monies will certainly be coming in to cover whatever she had done. I don't enjoy being in this position with her, but I continue doing it because her past behavior provides a reasonable predictor that, should I return control of the money to her, she would indeed be on one of our porches within six months looking for a bailout.